I’ve been sorting out miscellanea from my files and came across something I had written nearly 32 years ago. Now that my own son has a son of his own, its topic has renewed resonance. And its prime object remains erect, intact and proudly displayed in our kitchen.
Accordingly, here is a writing from a 30-something dad:
November 13, 1993
ON LYING
The genesis of my story resides in the underbelly of that noble parenting support system ‑ the practiced, polite lie. The story starts more than 20 years ago….
How was it, I thought to myself, that my mother of 14 years could be so untrustworthy when it came to frank analysis of any product I had a hand in producing? She obviously had the facility for critical thinking. This she ably and frequently demonstrated when it came to just about any woman on TV ‑ she’s so fat… she’s emaciated… that make‑up is atrocious… ‑ or most items political, cultural or natural. Yet with her son, with me, all that vocally emerged was praise.
“You’re doing very well, Danny”, she would say. I would never know, however, her true feelings.
A devious notion had been building in me for years. It was bound to spark an incident. What if I was to fool her? What if I was to pretend that something I created was not mine, ask her opinion about it and get some real truth for once?!
I would wait and plot and pick my opportunity with wicked precision.
Then, my opportunity arose. At an art class in Junior High, I created a 10‑ inch tall, circular vase, approximately 3‑inches wide and uniform in diameter. It had a turquoise glaze and several rope‑like appendages wrapped around and up and down its surface. It also had two large protuberances on opposite sides from each other, with holes in their middle, giving the impression of caved‑in sideways volcanoes with their central core cut out. It was not a pretty sight.
I must say, in all candor, that I had a certain pride in that creation. It was artsy and modern, in a deconstructionist kind of way, and while I knew it was “simply horrible,” I nonetheless felt it to be rather cleverly horrible and quite the best horrible thing I had ever made.
Then it hit me.
I’ll bring this back to Mom ‑ who liked everything I did ‑ and see if she could lie her way through this one. Conspiring with Dad, we would notify Mom that we just bought the vase from Panaca, a local and marginally trendy arts gallery. We would ask her for her honest opinion of the piece. Then we’d sit back and watch the fun begin.
“It’s a monstrosity,” she proclaimed after hearing our spiel and viewing the creation.
I was gleeful. “Aha, I’ve got her now,” I thought, and proceeded to tell her that the “monstrosity” was not from Panaca at all but by the hand of her darling son.
The Tour de France never saw such backpedaling.
“But it really is quite an interesting monstrosity, dear,” my flustered mother averred. “I mean, it is (throat clearing commenced) really quite interesting.”
But, of course, the damage was done. The incident would ring forever in my mind as the moment of splendid victory. It would be a victory of the truth over the lie; the honest reaction over the coy dodge; the teenager over the mother. It would be a moment to relish and remember.
Now when my son brings me his latest creation from kindergarten, I eye the flower that looks like a dog and the dog that looks like a flower, stare him right in his glowing eyes and declare, “That’s really great, Zac. I’m proud of you.”
That’ll show Mom.

The monstrosity lives!




































